In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
