i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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