ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
