Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
