Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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