Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
