She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
