I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
