Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
