Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
