this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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