it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
