i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
