Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
