I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
how does that bad decision feel?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
