I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
