I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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