the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
