So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
