Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
