WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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