I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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