I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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