Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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