omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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