Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
