Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
