I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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