He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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