Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
