my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
