You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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