They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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