i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
