if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
