you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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