Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
