Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
