If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I look better un-naked...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
