My nipple is on Facebook.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
