If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
