Me. At least after what I've been through.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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