Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
