You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it hurts more in the daytime
there was a trapeze. enough said
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
