life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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