Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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