Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
