The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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