you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There's always time for handjobs
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
