I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
