he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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