Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
