Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
