Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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