Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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