I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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