i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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