turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
